Why the Seaweed is Always Greener in Someone Else’s Lake: A Rant
Why is the seaweed always greener in someone else’s lake, you asked? Well fuck you, that’s why. I am so tired of people asking me why the sky is blue or why we can’t see four-dimensions or why my wife left me. And I have no answers for any of those questions.
If I knew why the seaweed is always greener in someone else’s lake, then by all means, I would tell people why. Heck, if I knew why, I’d ask the government for a million-dollar grant and instead of wasting it away on teaching a dog how to play piano, I’d use that money to buy a fucking pack of loose-leaf paper and a Dora the Explora themed pen, and I’d write the fucking explanation down. And then I’d send it off to the hungry Mongols that work at Buzzfeed so they can report on something useful for a change instead of another article titled ‘Do You Know All the Lyrics to Mr. Brightside?’
Now you’re asking me what would I do with the leftover money. I’d probably buy a lake and spend the rest of my life individually painting pieces of seaweed the color of neon green. I’d make it my lifestyle. I’d have kids and make it their lifestyle. We’d start up a family business. Why did my wife leave me? My lake would have the greenest seaweed in all of the world and people would come ask me why the seaweed is greener in my lake over theirs. And I’d say, fuck you, that’s why.